From: me To: you

I considered this a while, and then put it off a while. I thought to procrastinate longer, but then I saw you in passing, and thought, well … Needs be.

We haven’t talked lately. I know you don’t like to be left alone; neither do I.

Usually, I would make sure that doesn’t happen. I would put aside my fears I am rambling, and shake off the feeling that I am (by and large) talking to myself. I’d come up with some silly story, or just find lots of words to fill in the space between you and I.

I’ve done that too much before. Ask the folks who have been around a while about how I am with people. How I was. The sad stories of enmeshment, of tumbling after, of giving it all and keeping none for me. Things are changing; I will not allow myself to stagnate any longer. I can’t. One thinks to know one’s limits, thinks they are tested time and again … til the clarity of age sets in. There comes a day when one may discover there is nothing left – things MUST change. They simply MUST, there is no other option. Often, it is expressed explosively, radically – some tremendous, perhaps even iconic, upheaval. That is characteristically my style … But times are changing.

I have faults. I have flaws. I have issues. I also have needs. Expectations. Hopes.

Enough has changed in my thinking already that I cannot even say, I wish … I wish I could do it all, I wish I could be that person you think you need, I wish I could be good enough.

Screw that noise. I am good enough. I have yet to get so much better, and to be so much more, but that won’t change this. 

I have told you time and again, if you need me, then speak. If you want to talk, then do. How am I to take the silence? Am I to feel wanted? Am I sleeping on the job? What to do, what to do … 

Likewise, I have told you of the issues and challenges I face. I have left a lot out, but given you plenty enough to paint a picture of me and my insecurities. I have challenged myself again and again to see things differently, and let that guide my path, hoping that in doing so, I could help you do the same. 

You fear that people will discover the ‘real’ you. Why do you think I spend so much time being the entertainer, the talker, the creative thinker? I am every bit as scared as you are of ‘being discovered’. Or rather, I was. It is starting to be replaced by a sense of worth. That will take years of nurture and work and care to mature, but the seeds are planted. 

If you do not want to be ‘that’ person, then don’t. Otherwise, you never know who might pass through your life, and be unable to see anything other than the starring role you have written for yourself in what you consider to be the most boring script ever written (apart, of course, from Twilight) … what happens when that person says (and means) I care about you so much … But who am I caring about? Where are you? How do I find you?

What happens if they are lost themselves. What happens if, in seeking to elevate you, they are left feeling like they need to make concessions they have stopped allowing anyone else, and to question their own progress besides. What if confidences are shared, and left to wallow in an uncomfortable silence. 

Would you seek to keep that person? Would you ask them to stay, or watch them walk away, blaming yourself for every step they take?

I have been too easy on you, because I desperately wanted to be that person who could make it all better, that mystical magic maker who could change your world and mine. But I can’t. I need to work on me. If I have any miracles still to produce … I am afraid they must be directed inwards. The deep, dark hole must be filled in.

A promise was made; I shall not revoke it. But I am pointing out that it was a pact, shared between two who thought they understood. One cannot bear the weight alone. 

Both must change.

So, I leave it to you. I have no idea if you will read this or not … I commit it here rather than something more direct because this is my space. It will stand with the other posts as a testament to the hill I am climbing, so that I may look back and laugh at where I have come from.

It would be lovely if you could join me on that walk; if not, then so be it. 

It is up to you.

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~ by thedyingmoments on February 25, 2013.

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